Why is dating with herpes so stressful? After herpes diagnosis, people may worry about being judged. They may be scared they could spread herpes to their partners. They may simply be terrified about how they are going to face the world. Fortunately, it turns out that most of the time dating with herpes isn’t nearly as scary as worrying about it. Here’s why.

The truth is that herpes is extremely common. Genital herpes affects about 12% of Americans ages 14–49.

Because of how common it is, most people already know one or more people with herpes. They may even have it themselves. By and large, no matter how “icky” you may think a disease is, it’s hard to be judgmental towards someone you love if you find out they have it.

As for potential partners, if they start getting mean, you might want to ask them if they’ve been tested. If they haven’t, they may have the virus and not know about it.

When people realize how common herpes is, how often people don’t have symptoms, and that they could be infected without knowing it—it makes them much less likely to throw shade.

One of the toughest things to remember when dating with herpes is that mostly it’s just dating. Dating is an activity fraught with the potential for drama, pain, and heartbreak for pretty much everyone. Herpes is just one factor in the equation.

With few exceptions, people don’t date solely because they want to have sex. They date because they like each other and find each other interesting and attractive. When those other things are true, a herpes diagnosis often doesn’t seem like that big a deal.

If you like someone enough, herpes can be just something you have to work with. Just like you have to work with a partner’s snoring or their affection for mornings.

If you wait to tell your partner that you have herpes until after you’ve had sex, the revelation may feel like a betrayal. You will have denied them the opportunity to make an informed decision about risk. You may also have implied that your herpes diagnosis is more important than the other things they find attractive about you.

If someone is really interested in you before you tell them you have herpes, they probably will be afterward as well. It just helps to tell them early. That makes it less likely that they’ll feel exposed and/or betrayed.

How early? You don’t have to do it on the first date. The timing really depends on the people involved. If you’re worried about how your partner might react, talk to them about it in a safe place.

You could bring it up over dinner when you’re getting near the going home together phase. Or you could have the talk while you’re out for a walk, and perhaps a make-out session.

When you do have the talk, it’s best to be straightforward about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

“Still, it’s not zero, so I wanted you to have a chance to think about it before we get intimate. You don’t need to respond right now. When, and if, you’re ready, I’m happy to talk with you more or to just send you some information.”

Fortunately, there are ways to reduce the likelihood you will spread herpes during sex. Suppressive therapy, for example, can lower the risk of transmission significantly. It’s not just good for reducing the number and severity of outbreaks.

Using condoms consistently, even for oral sex, can also make a big difference in your partner’s risk. Condoms and dental dams don’t just make intercourse safer. They also make it less likely for you to spread herpes from your genitals to their mouth, and vice versa. Practicing safe sex is always a good choice.

It’s your choice whether you want to keep dating someone after learning of their herpes diagnosis. Dating someone who knows they’re infected, at least gives you the option of intentionally managing your risk.

Talk about your diagnosis earlyHave information handy so that you can talk honestly about the actual risks and concerns of the diseaseBe willing to do what you can to reduce the chance you will spread herpes to your partner

Numerous people with genital and oral herpes are open about disclosing their condition. Most of them have active, happy dating and sexual lives. The truth is, it’s so hard to meet the right person that dating with herpes makes it only the tiniest bit harder. Life after herpes doesn’t mean life without love.