Consider the child’s feelings as you tell them, keeping the focus on the child and not the parent. For example, instead of saying, “Your parent decided not to show and cares more about themselves than you” say, “Your parent is not coming, and I’m sure it must be very disappointing for you to hear that. ” Sit down with the child and give your full attention. Say, “I know this is hard for you, but it doesn’t look like they are coming. We can talk about it if you’d like. ” With younger children, it might be more helpful to engage them in a fun activity as a distraction. For example, you could play a game with them, color with them, or ask them to help you bake some chocolate chip cookies.
Say what you know as concisely as possible. For example, say, “I just found out your parent is not coming, and they did not give a reason. I know this is hard to hear, and I’m sorry. ” If the parent is engaging in dangerous or reckless behavior, spare your curious child these details. However, if they ask why the parent did not show up, then you can offer an explanation. Keep your explanation vague. For example, “Your parent has some things happening in their life right now that sometimes prevent them from seeing you. ”
When interacting with the child, make all your interactions about the child, not the parent. Focus on how the child feels and what the child thinks. Now is not the time for blame, anger, or harsh words. Talk about how the parent loves the child. For example, say, “I know it’s hard to understand why your parent didn’t show. I don’t understand either, but I know they love you very much. ”
If the child does not ask for an explanation, don’t offer one. If they do ask for an explanation, then don’t tell a child that their parent is sick, as this may worry the child. Instead, say, “Your parent is having a tough time right now and they are trying to get better. When they do, someone will call you so that you can see them again. ”[4] X Research source You can also say something like, “Let’s think of all of the people in your life who you know love you. I can think of your brother, your sister, the dog, and your neighborhood friends. Who can you think of?”
Help a child to identify feelings by saying, “I know this is upsetting” or, “I can tell you’re really sad and disappointed because you wanted to see your parent. ”
Even if you feel uncomfortable, allow the child to cry and experience the sadness or grief they feel.
Say, “I am sorry that your parent is not here right now. I am here for you, if you would like to talk about it. "
Create some boundaries or alternate arrangements to accommodate both of you. For example, find a meeting place that is neutral and convenient for both of you. If the other parent is not showing consistency in showing up, ask what ways you can show help. Say, “I’ve noticed you’ve missed some time with our child, and I want to know if there’s anything I can do to make this easier for you or if there’s a way for us to simplify our arrangements. ”
For a young child, let any visits be a happy surprise for your child. Instead of packing their bags and having them wait by the door or the window, let the visits be fun and exciting surprises for your child and not massive disappointments when there’s a no-show. Say, “Wow, look who came to visit! What a surprise! Let’s get you ready. ” For the older child, be casual by saying, “Your parent may come by later if they can make it. ” By this point, they may recognize the inconsistency and learn not to count on their parent.
Some therapists specialize in seeing kids or families. Ask your physician or insurance provider for a referral to a child therapist. You can also search online or ask for a recommendation from friends and family.
