Strong, sometimes overwhelming emotions Difficulty recognizing their feelings due to alexithymia Painful sensory issues Communication struggles Co-occurring conditions like anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and other things that can be difficult Stress related to living in a challenging world People perceiving them more negatively,[1] X Research source and thus being less friendly to them
Poor motor skills: If they’re always slamming doors or jamming things together, it might mean that they just struggle with motor skills. Anxiety: Sometimes autistic people seem tense or avoid a demand because they’re stressed about a situation. [2] X Research source If you’re placing a demand on them and they seem “angry” or “defensive,” maybe they’re anxious about it. Try investigating why they’re nervous about it and what could make things easier. Mismatched tones or facial expressions: Some autistic people may make faces that don’t match what they’re feeling, or not realize that their tone of voice is perceived as angry or loud. If the person regularly is mistaken for feeling things they actually aren’t, it may simply be a difference in their body language. Stimming: Slamming or hitting things, stomping, crushing things in their hands, or screaming can be a stim for some hyposensitive autistics. If there isn’t any context for this behavior, it might be a sensory need, not anger.
Some autistic people are trained not to frown or act unhappy in ABA therapy, making it difficult for them to express themselves at all. If you suspect that an autistic loved one tends to suffer in silence, encourage them to be assertive and tell you things like “I’m stressed” or “That hurts. " If they do speak up, pay attention and thank them for telling you. This can help teach them that it’s okay to ask for help when they don’t feel okay.
“What’s wrong?” “Are you stressed?” “I’m having trouble reading your body language. Is something bothering you?” “I noticed you stomping your feet and clenching your fists. I’m guessing you feel angry. What’s going on?”
Take them somewhere quiet. Go to a quiet room or a quiet place outdoors. Reduce sensory input as much as possible. Remove all demands. Don’t let other people pester them or get in the way. Never touch them without clear permission. If they show you that they want to be touched, use a firm hand, and try offering a tight hug. (This is calming if it’s wanted. ) Talk as little as possible. Keep yourself safe if they’re acting aggressive. Don’t grab them or get in the way. Give them space. (They don’t want to hurt you. ) Leave the room if needed. Give them at least half an hour to calm down.
Try asking “Do you want to talk to me about it, talk to someone else about it, be distracted from it, or be left alone for now?” (If this is too much at once, ask each part as a separate question. )
If you act calm, it will help them feel calmer.
“I can see that you’re really stressed. " “That sounds upsetting. " “I see. " “That would make me angry too. " “You seem frustrated/mad/disappointed/etc. " “So you’re upset because. . . (summarize as best as you can)?”
Only touch them with permission. Uninvited touch may startle or upset them due to sensory issues. If you want to hug them, you can ask permission or spread your arms and see if they come to you. Let them be alone if they want to be alone.
Some people have a calming down corner or hate box for this purpose. Offer to help them use calming techniques.
“Would you like to sit down?” (“No? Okay, we’ll stand. “) “Which stim toy would you like?” “Would you like me to get you a drink?” “We have water, chocolate milk, and soda. Which one do you want?” “Would it help if we did some relaxation exercises together?” “Do you want a hug?”
If they say no, that’s okay. Maybe they just need to vent or be alone. They’ll come to you if they need you. If this process upsets them, ask if they would like to take a break from brainstorming and do something relaxing.
If they are self-injuring, see if you can redirect it or soften it. (For example, place a pillow between their head and the table, or have them head-butt the couch cushions instead of the wall. ) Avoid forcibly grabbing them, because they may panic and lash out at you. If you live in the United States, do not call the police for help. They may escalate the situation and traumatize or kill the autistic person. [3] X Research source [4] X Research source
