If your spouse tells you there is a problem, you need to take that statement seriously. Work on solving the problem, either alone or together, but make sure you take your partner’s concerns seriously. Address your partner’s needs. If your spouse is telling you what he or she wants from the relationship, you need to put in the effort to make it happen or work together to find a compromise.
Never lie to your partner. Even a small lie, like saying something doesn’t bother you when it secretly does, can eventually boil over into resentment and arguments. Open up and let yourself be vulnerable with your partner. Tell your spouse your secret hopes and dreams, your deepest fears, and other things that you keep hidden. Let your partner open up and be vulnerable with you. This can help build trust and foster a stronger sense of intimacy and affection.
Don’t think of arguments as something that need to be “won. " This is dangerous thinking, as it pits you and your spouse against each other. Let go of things that aren’t worth fighting over. Even if you weren’t in the wrong, it’s not worth the stress and frustration of an argument. Be willing to cede an argument. Just because you think you’re right, it doesn’t mean arguing your point any further will get you anywhere, so work on dropping it before it escalates. Compromise makes your relationship stronger. When you both set aside your needs, including your need to be right, you can work together as a team for the betterment of both partners. [1] X Research source
A “you” statement conveys blame to your partner. For example, “You’re always late, and you make me look bad as a result!” An “I” statement reframes the conversation in a way that focuses on the feeling, not on pinning blame or guilt. For example, “I’m noticing that you are staring away during this conversation and it makes me feel like you’re not taking my feelings into consideration. " An “I” statement has three components: a concise and non-accusatory description of the specific behavior you’re having problems with, your feelings on that behavior, and the tangible, concrete effect your partner’s specific behavior has on you. [2] X Research source The behavior component should stick to the facts of the situation, your feelings should be directly related to that behavior, and the effect should either specify the consequences or support your feelings on the matter. The goal is to be as specific as possible and stick to the issue at hand. Don’t drag up other unrelated issues or feelings, just focus on the tangible effects of the current problem.
It may feel relieving in the moment to yell and let out your frustrations, but your emotions will be running high. You’re more likely to say things that you don’t mean when you yell, and you won’t be able to take back those hurtful words later when you’re calmed down. Avoid talking about important things when you (and/or your partner) are upset. Take a walk, or simply excuse yourself from the room for 5 or 10 minutes, then restart the conversation when you’re both calm.
If you usually eat in most nights, try going out for a date night. If you typically make your own separate meals, try cooking a meal for your partner and eating together. Do something exciting together that you and your spouse wouldn’t normally do. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but it should push you both to have fun and get excited together. Take a romantic vacation together, or just plan a fun and exciting day together - even if it just means going to a carnival or an amusement park.
Make eye contact. Smile at your partner and act giggly. Use romantic body language, and mimic your partner’s body language. [6] X Research source Stand facing one another, avoid crossing your arms, and lean in towards one another when you speak.
Physical contact doesn’t just mean sex (although many people do consider sex a healthy part of marriage). It can mean holding hands, snuggling, embracing, kissing, or any other kind of affectionate contact. Your partner probably wants physical contact as much as you do, but may be too shy or worried that you don’t also want it. Don’t stress over physical contact, just initiate it. Your partner will appreciate it, and it will help you both feel closer to one another. Remember that feelings often follow actions. If you put forth the effort and try to make a romantic evening for one another, the romantic feelings will follow. [8] X Research source
Spending time with one another, especially with physical contact, often sets the stage for sex and will make you both feel closer to one another. If you have to, schedule time for intimacy and/or sex. Experts advise that even setting aside 30 minutes for some intimate time alone can do wonders for your relationship. Drop your kids off at a babysitter’s, or if they’re old enough to be out alone you can give them money to go see a movie or shop at the mall. That will buy you some alone time with your spouse. Turn off your cellphones when you’re being intimate together. Nothing kills the mood like your partner getting dragged into a long work-related phone call. Intimacy isn’t just a one-time thing. You’ll need to work hard to make time for it every week, or several times a week, or however often you and your partner need it.
Feeling like your sexual preferences aren’t being met can make sex unfulfilling, which over time can feel almost like a chore. The best way to mutually enjoy sex is to communicate to your partner what you like or don’t like, and ask your spouse to do the same. Be willing to explore new things together in the bedroom so that you and your partner are both having your needs met. Plus, trying new things in general can lend a spark to your relationship, and you might find you both enjoy your new routine. Being respectful of your partner’s needs doesn’t mean putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. It’s okay to have boundaries and to expect your partner to respect those boundaries.
There’s no shame or stigma in seeing a therapist. Couple’s therapy can help you and your partner at any stage of your relationship. If you or your partner experience little to no sex drive after previously having a sex drive, your therapist may refer you to your primary physician to see if there are any medical explanations. Sometimes certain medications can reduce sexual urges or the ability to perform sexually. Other times there may be an emotional reason why a person’s sex drive decreases. Be honest and open with your therapist and with your doctor to address any intimacy issues you’re experiencing.
Say thank you when your spouse does something for you, whether it’s cooking a meal, fixing a broken cabinet, or just picking something up for you at the store. Letting your partner know that you appreciate the little things will make your spouse feel appreciated, and your partner will be more likely to continue doing nice things for you (and vice versa) in the future. You could say something like: “It made me really happy that you swung by work today - thanks for doing that. It was good to see you for a few minutes. "
It doesn’t take much to notice your partner. Compliment your spouse on an attractive outfit, a recent haircut, any developments after beginning a new workout routine, and so on. Try to praise your partner for his/her efforts in front of others. Bragging about your spouse’s accomplishments when he or she is too shy to can really make your spouse feel loved. [14] X Research source
Commit to spending the night alone together. Get a babysitter for your kids, or have them sleep over at a friend’s house. Choose a romantic restaurant. If you have a favorite place to go or if you can recreate your first date, even better. Get dressed up for one another. Try to impress your spouse as though you were still just dating and not yet married. Take a romantic walk after dinner, or go see a show together. Focus on making it an intimate evening alone together.
When you feel like your own personal goals are being fulfilled, it’s easier to devote yourself to your partner. If you’re very career-driven, take time for your career. If you’re an artist, work on your art. If you’re athletic, train for a marathon. [16] X Research source No matter what your partner’s goals and accomplishments are, it’s important for you to have your own goals. You and your spouse should be supportive of one another, and should celebrate each other’s accomplishments.
