Children who are spanked at home are more likely to see hitting as an acceptable way to deal with conflict with their siblings and peers. [5] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Mental health problems Criminal behavior Impaired social skills Abuse of their spouses and children Less morality Shorter lifespan (early death)
Your child may be less willing to ask you for advice about their problems. They might start sneaking around behind your back, to avoid getting caught. Your child might think that you don’t love them. They might avoid your presence, even joining after-school activities or staying with friends, because they feel safer around people who don’t hit them. Your child may become less open and affectionate around you. They (or someone else) may call CPS or the Police if they think the child is being abused. They may even start to fear you.
Most experts are adamant that children should never be spanked under any circumstances. Nonetheless, some parents believe that spanking is the best way to get children to adhere to rules. Whatever your position is on spanking, it’s clear that spanking can have some negative consequences. Therefore this method of discipline should be used sparingly and only to prevent your child from engaging in dangerous activities. Be sure that siblings and other children are not present during the spanking. If a spanking occurs in a public place you should take your child to a private area away from onlookers.
Be sure to use clear age-appropriate language that your child understands when you explain the consequence. For example, you could say, “Donnie, you were running through the house with the scissors and almost ran into your brother. I have already given you a warning about this behavior so now it is time for a spanking. " Whenever possible, give your a child a warning before proceeding to spank. This will allow them the opportunity to adjust his behavior to avoid the spanking.
Make sure that your child is fully clothed during spankings. Spankings on bare skin can cause bruising and other avoidable injuries.
Objects should never be used to spank your child and you should limit spankings to approximately three to four pats on the backside. Never spank your child when you are angry. Any spankings should be done when you are calm. This will help you avoid unintentional injury.
For example, you could say, “I know that you are upset. When you are ready you can come back downstairs. "
You can include your children in making some of the rules. It’s important that children feel like they are a part of family decisions. However, don’t be afraid to be firm about the important issues. For example, if your teenager needs to be home by 11 pm don’t allow him/her to argue his way into a 2 am curfew. It is important to communicate your expectations regarding your child’s behavior with relatives, babysitters, and other caregivers outside of the home. If the caregiver is unable or unwilling to adhere to your behavioral expectations with your child, then you should consider putting your child in the care of someone whose parenting beliefs better align with yours.
Make sure that the rules are concrete and specific so that there is no room for misinterpretation. For example, it’s better to tell your ten-year-old, “Be home by 7 pm” instead of “Be home before it gets dark. ” Make sure that the rules are explained in advance. Try not to only discuss rules after one is broken. Instead, explain them in advance, even if it means repeating yourself. For instance, you could say, “We walk when we are at the pool” before arriving at the pool. Try to word rules in an affirmative manner. For instance, you would want to say, “We walk when we are at the pool” rather than “Don’t run while at the pool. ”
If there was no rule formerly in place about a particular behavior when it occurs, then it’s important to take time to establish the rule and clearly articulate it after the undesirable behavior occurs.
For example, if your preteen is screaming, “It’s not fair, Ben gets to stay outside until 10 pm” you can just respond by saying, “I know he does. ” Or maybe your teenager is still beating the drum about using the car to go out on a school night; you could say “What did I say?” or “I said no” without additional discussion. This approach should only be used after you’ve already explained the rules to your child and he is still trying to get his way. It minimizes the power struggle and helps to make it clear that the rule stands.
Rewards for positive behavior should be consistent with the actual behavior. Verbal praise usually works well for most positive behavior whereas larger rewards should be reserved for more significant milestones. For example, straight As on a report card may warrant a celebratory dinner out. You could also use a token system to reinforce positive behavior. A token system is when your child can earn points or small tokens for appropriate behavior throughout the week. At the end of the week, they can trade in the tokens or cash in the points for a larger reward.
For example, if you want your child to stop throwing tantrums, do not respond to them when they begin to demonstrate tantrums. Instead, wait until they are calm and is engaging in appropriate behavior before you respond to their requests. Only ignore behavior that poses no harm to your child or other people.
If your child is acting out because they feel powerless, then you may decide to give them other age-appropriate opportunities to assert power. For example, they could start having more choice about what to wear to school or what to have for breakfast. If your child is struggling with feelings of adequacy then perhaps you could help them identify their strengths and allow them to participate in activities that they do well in to build confidence. Attention seeking behavior can be easily remedied by giving your child plenty of attention and praise when he is engaged in appropriate behavior. If you are giving them a lot of attention before he acts out, this will decrease negative attention-seeking outbursts. If your child is seeking revenge, sitting down and having an age-appropriate conversation about how to better manage their anger is important. For example, you could say, “I know that you are upset and I’m sorry that your brother made you mad. However, it is not okay to punch anyone. Instead, use your words and come talk to me or your dad about it. ”
Natural consequences should only be used if the child is not in danger of being harmed. For example, you would not want to allow your toddler to touch a hot stove. The natural consequence would be that your child is burned and that is never appropriate. After the natural consequence occurs, be sure to have a conversation with your child about why it happened. For example, you could say “Sam, you did not put your clothes in the hamper so now your uniform is not clean for today’s game. "
Here’s a good example of a logical consequence: if you find that you keep telling your child not to lay their bike in the driveway then you could say, “Sam, when your bike is lying in the driveway, it prevents me from being able to pull into the yard after work. Worse, if I do not see it, I may accidentally run over it. The next time that I see your bike lying in the driveway, I will be putting it in the garage and you will not be able to ride on it for 2 days. ” This is better than using a consequence that is unrelated to the behavior such as “You cannot watch TV for two days;” overly punitive such as “You can’t go to your friend’s house for a month;” or too minimal such as “You will have to come outside and move it when I beep the horn. ” Always use respect and avoid being judgmental when utilizing consequences. For example, it is better to say, “I know that you are excited about going on the trip with your friend. However, your room must be clean before you go. If the room is not clean then you will not be able to go;” rather than saying “You are so sloppy and I’m not your maid. Clean this room immediately or you’re not going anywhere. ” Allowing your child to help choose the consequence can be helpful. For example, you could say, “You were running in the house and broke the mirror. How are you going to replace it?” Or you could say “Sam, if you are going outside then you have to wear your play shoes. If you want to keep on your school shoes then you have to stay inside. The choice is up to you. ”
It might be helpful to have a predesignated timeout space in your home or other places that you visit frequently. This way you can avoid the added frustration of trying to figure out a good timeout spot. Be sure that you tell your child why he is being taken to timeout. And be sure to criticize the behavior and not the child. For example, you might say, “It is not okay to hit Alex” rather than saying “You are a bad boy for hitting Alex. ”
Your child may resist staying in timeout and this is completely developmentally appropriate for a preschooler. If they refuse to stay put, firmly but gently hold them down by their shoulders. You may also try placing them on your lap and securely holding them there while they remain in timeout. Some parents prefer to take a timeout away from their child instead of when the child is resisting. This could simply mean telling your child that you are taking a timeout from them and then staying in the same room to monitor them but not responding to them.
